11 types of Somali men you should know about
Editor’s Note: Mulki Ali has written this article after her previous article about Somali women was widely read and shared across social media. “I thought I must do right by us girls and smoke out the guys as well,” Mulki says.
1. Wadaadka: This is the ultra-conservative guy who dons khamis that barely go down the knees and white socks and kufiya. He’s always with the “brothers” going to some lectures studying some mutoon like Aqeedah at-Tahawiyyah or Sarf. His sunnan are on fleek, he’s applied to Islamic University of Madinah half a dozen times and has meetings with prospective wives who he ends up turning down for something trivial like not having completed the hifd of the Qur’an or for studying in university. He’s a high ranking haraam officer and he lashes out at “sisters” any chance he gets. Lower your gaze! Wear your hijaab right! Don’t laugh! He’s a closeted sadistic sociopath who revels in the amount of control he exerts. This type can either be an ISIS/al-Shabaab supporter OR the Salafi type who are staunchly opposed to extremism. However, when he’s alone in his room at night, he’s not so wadaad-like. He’s probably sexting girls and doing his haraam patrol in the same breath.
2. Anti-feminist misogynist: This is the super insecure dunce whose every statement reeks of misogyny. He got his frail ego bruised by a girl in his teens and he’s been overcompensating for that ever since by putting every woman who bears resemblance to that girl in her place. In his books there are only two type of women: wifey-material and bossy bitches.
3. Pseudo-intellectual anti-Arab: He went to study liberal arts and while on campus met pan-Africanists who were passionate and outspoken and he thought holy cow…whatever they’re having, give me!!! He spends his days dreaming of being the Somali Kwame Nkrumah and hanging out with his sisters, the social justice warriors and together they bash everything Arab and White.
4. The tortured artist: He’s always been on the straight and narrow, studied business in college with a minor in political science in a bid to join the ranks of the Nkrumahs but they proved to be too intense for him. He’s a momma’s boy, he prays his five, occasionally hangs out with the boys. He’s a budding artist who draws impeccably and writes poems that are out of this world. He keeps his creative talent all to himself is unassuming because he struggles with low confidence and doesn’t see what a good man he is.
5. Reformed bad boy: This kid dropped out of high school, got busted by the cops half a dozen times, did every drug on the market and was shipped to Galkacyo for dhaqan celis, his passport confiscated by his dad. He got married to a local girl who bore three kids for him and surprisingly enough he mellowed because he matured and his kids got a special place in his heart. He gets back to the West and starts hustling for his family back home, and is the success story mothers use as incentive to ship their wild ones, not knowing why he truly changed.
6. Nerd: This kid hangs out with cadaan because they are the only ones who get his love for tech gadgets, coding, and World of Warcraft. He’s the quintessential awkward nerd who knows as much about girls as he does makeup and he spends his time prowling on 9gag with forever alone rants. He’s secretly atheist because all his friends are and he just wants to conform.
7. The Somali Donald Trump: Unlike the pseudo-intellectual, this guy got little going on cerebrally. He applied to the Ivy Leagues/Oxbridge purely for the prestige and got rejected, flunked his SATs/ A-Levels and went to Eastern Europe or China to study medicine, not because he likes it but again, because of the prestige. He’s involved with all types of organizations and his Twitter feed is awash with Tony Robbins quotes and excerpts from books like Think and Grow Rich and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He’s headed everywhere but goes nowhere, which is why he’s so loud and obnoxious.
8. Control freak: He’s buff with big guns he’s honed at the gym, a loaded bank account, a wicked ride and a very controlling nature. He’s like the Venus flytrap; the sorry soul who walks into his life will not get out with their confidence intact. He usually goes for the insecure girl with daddy issues and that’s the end of it.
9. Don Jama: He’s emotionally unavailable and girl flock to him like moths to a flame, and he doesn’t hesitate to watch them BURN. Every girl thinks she’ll be the one who’d make him change his ways and put a ring on it, and he entertains their wishful thinking if only to take advantage of them for the moment. Whenever they get frustrated with his emotional numbness, he does a small romantic gesture that jolts the heart of the relationship alive until next time. Once karma is done with him, he’ll be a fugly hobo on ceyr, a shaah belly and a serious devotion to chewing the greens.
10. Nice guys finish last: This guy is the complete opposite of control freak. He’s obsessive, clingy, and insecure. He’s codependent and showers girls with compliments and favors to hook them in emotionally. He doesn’t love himself and finds the prospect weird, and so he places that burden on a romantic interest which is toxic and unhealthy. So when it fails, he acts a victim and laments that nice guys finish last and all girls are bitches who want to be mistreated.
11. The Elitist Snob: He’s a literature buff who works a second job to be able to buy the complete Shakespeare collection. He’s a fine arts aficionado and museums and libraries are his safe haven. Go through his music collection and you’ll be met with titles like “Night on Bald Mountain” by Modest Mussorgsky and “Serenade in G Major” by Mozart. He’s is deeply ashamed of Somalis and is one of those progressive Muslims.
Mulki Ali is Somali blogger of Midnight Blues and a contributor to Sahan Journal.