11 types of Somali men you should know about

Editor’s Note: Mulki Ali has written this article after her previous article about Somali women was widely read and shared across social media. “I thought I must do right by us girls and smoke out the guys as well,” Mulki says.

1. Wadaadka: This is the ultra-conservative guy who dons khamis that barely go down the knees and white socks and kufiya. He’s always with the “brothers” going to some lectures studying some mutoon like Aqeedah at-Tahawiyyah or Sarf. His sunnan are on fleek, he’s applied to Islamic University of Madinah half a dozen times and has meetings with prospective wives who he ends up turning down for something trivial like not having completed the hifd of the Qur’an or for studying in university. He’s a high ranking haraam officer and he lashes out at “sisters” any chance he gets. Lower your gaze! Wear your hijaab right! Don’t laugh! He’s a closeted sadistic sociopath who revels in the amount of control he exerts. This type can either be an ISIS/al-Shabaab supporter OR the Salafi type who are staunchly opposed to extremism. However, when he’s alone in his room at night, he’s not so wadaad-like. He’s probably sexting girls and doing his haraam patrol in the same breath.

2. Anti-feminist misogynist: This is the super insecure dunce whose every statement reeks of misogyny. He got his frail ego bruised by a girl in his teens and he’s been overcompensating for that ever since by putting every woman who bears resemblance to that girl in her place. In his books there are only two type of women: wifey-material and bossy bitches.

3. Pseudo-intellectual anti-Arab: He went to study liberal arts and while on campus met pan-Africanists who were passionate and outspoken and he thought holy cow…whatever they’re having, give me!!! He spends his days dreaming of being the Somali Kwame Nkrumah and hanging out with his sisters, the social justice warriors and together they bash everything Arab and White.

4. The tortured artist: He’s always been on the straight and narrow, studied business in college with a minor in political science in a bid to join the ranks of the Nkrumahs but they proved to be too intense for him. He’s a momma’s boy, he prays his five, occasionally hangs out with the boys. He’s a budding artist who draws impeccably and writes poems that are out of this world. He keeps his creative talent all to himself is unassuming because he struggles with low confidence and doesn’t see what a good man he is.

5. Reformed bad boy: This kid dropped out of high school, got busted by the cops half a dozen times, did every drug on the market and was shipped to Galkacyo for dhaqan celis, his passport confiscated by his dad. He got married to a local girl who bore three kids for him and surprisingly enough he mellowed because he matured and his kids got a special place in his heart. He gets back to the West and starts hustling for his family back home, and is the success story mothers use as incentive to ship their wild ones, not knowing why he truly changed.

6. Nerd: This kid hangs out with cadaan because they are the only ones who get his love for tech gadgets, coding, and World of Warcraft. He’s the quintessential awkward nerd who knows as much about girls as he does makeup and he spends his time prowling on 9gag with forever alone rants. He’s secretly atheist because all his friends are and he just wants to conform.

7. The Somali Donald Trump: Unlike the pseudo-intellectual, this guy got little going on cerebrally. He applied to the Ivy Leagues/Oxbridge purely for the prestige and got rejected, flunked his SATs/ A-Levels and went to Eastern Europe or China to study medicine, not because he likes it but again, because of the prestige. He’s involved with all types of organizations and his Twitter feed is awash with Tony Robbins quotes and excerpts from books like Think and Grow Rich and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He’s headed everywhere but goes nowhere, which is why he’s so loud and obnoxious.

8. Control freak: He’s buff with big guns he’s honed at the gym, a loaded bank account, a wicked ride and a very controlling nature. He’s like the Venus flytrap; the sorry soul who walks into his life will not get out with their confidence intact. He usually goes for the insecure girl with daddy issues and that’s the end of it.

9. Don Jama: He’s emotionally unavailable and girl flock to him like moths to a flame, and he doesn’t hesitate to watch them BURN. Every girl thinks she’ll be the one who’d make him change his ways and put a ring on it, and he entertains their wishful thinking if only to take advantage of them for the moment. Whenever they get frustrated with his emotional numbness, he does a small romantic gesture that jolts the heart of the relationship alive until next time. Once karma is done with him, he’ll be a fugly hobo on ceyr, a shaah belly and a serious devotion to chewing the greens.

10. Nice guys finish last: This guy is the complete opposite of control freak. He’s obsessive, clingy, and insecure. He’s codependent and showers girls with compliments and favors to hook them in emotionally. He doesn’t love himself and finds the prospect weird, and so he places that burden on a romantic interest which is toxic and unhealthy. So when it fails, he acts a victim and laments that nice guys finish last and all girls are bitches who want to be mistreated.

11. The Elitist Snob: He’s a literature buff who works a second job to be able to buy the complete Shakespeare collection. He’s a fine arts aficionado and museums and libraries are his safe haven. Go through his music collection and you’ll be met with titles like “Night on Bald Mountain” by Modest Mussorgsky and “Serenade in G Major” by Mozart. He’s is deeply ashamed of Somalis and is one of those progressive Muslims.

Mulki Ali is Somali blogger of Midnight Blues and a contributor to Sahan Journal. 

  • L Khalif Warsuge

    Really nice post, you forgot to mention those who are fresh from Africa and are still adapting also the dhaqan celis who never matured and is still a continuous grief to their parents, plus i’m yet to see a type 11 or i’m just in the wrong circles.

  • jabarti haykal

    Thanks mulki ali this was very funny i think im don jama lool

  • Omar Egeh

    Superficial and shallow article. Perhaps you did well writing about the girls but boys, you missed the target. You made the wadaado classification only about “Salafists.” Really? That shows your ignorance of the wadaado because Salafists are only one of many groups. Ivy League and Oxbridge! Our men are not that ambitious. Give me a break. You should have stuck with traits (I.e control freak, elitist) instead of talking about their physical features. Your physical description of these men was caricature. Finally, I liked the “misogynist” category because there are many who are in our community. They hate women and demean them. There is even a group of white converts who marry Somali women and order around their wives. These women are weak, obedient, and have lost their identity. These husbands cut them off from friends and families, forced not to go to college or work, and are monitored constantly. All in the name of being good Muslim wife. Some of these converts abuse their status as whites and act as though they are entitled to be put on a pedestal. I have seen several of these types.

  • Guubaabo

    This is an accurate assessment.

    I should note that I’m secretly atheist, but I have noticed many of the points mentioned in the article, they do ring true for the “dhaqanwareer” Somali diaspora people where each individual or groups they associate with have pluses and minuses. The Wahabis don’t like criticism due to the supremacist leanings of Islam; basically they think they are gods’ warriors on Earth simply because they emulate their Arab/Saudi masters in every possible way. And to illustrate this point further; their contempt for Somali culture and promotion of Arab-centric Islam.

    We need more articles of this sort because we sorely lack self criticism and the healthy skepticism required in today’s world. Runtu waa qaraar tahay.

  • Guubaabo

    So you have no plausible counter-argument?

    Africa is two camps; one camp in which White Christians completely transformed (named Micheal), and; another camp in which Arabs influenced (named Maxamed).

    It’s obvious Africans still cling to the customs, ideologies, religions, names and philosophical constructs of those who conquered them one way or another.

    Are you implying the Africans named David or Abdi are free of mental enslavement? If so, would they be aiming for high priesthood in Europe or Imam in Arabia? And what’s the difference between those who kneel towards a black stone in Arabia or those who pray to the cross, each assuming they are serving higher powers while the rest of humanity advanced from superstition and medieval rituals? Surely you cannot argue praying brings rain, can you?

    “Runtu waa qaraar tahay” waa weer dheellitiran. Halkee ayey ka qalloocan tahay?

    Waxaa habboon marka aad laalayso aragti qof kale in aad tusmayso sababta ama meesha ay ka qalloocan tahay oo soo bandhigto taada caro la’aan iyo si garashaysan. Yididdiillada dooddu waa intaas.

    • UmmKhadeeja’Suumaal Maxamed

      My dear lost brother. Silence is golden. Good luck baan ku iri. You’re lost and indeed of guidance, therefore having an argument with you would be a waste of my time. Gaalnimada waxeey kuu tarto bal aan aragno

      • Guubaabo

        I’m lost because I possess views and perspectives different from yours? Isn’t that condescending and highly presumptuous?

        What makes your perspectives legitimate and mine flawed?

        I think it’s great that we have these forums where people exchange opinions without one being superior to another, and where everyone presents views without application of set of rules deemed better than the other.

        If you consider your views better than others’ you should expose them to the scrutiny of differing observations without being fearful, because so far you’ve only shown an ability to articulate thoughts while objecting to others’.

      • http://taecsmybaby.tumblr.com J_Hottest

        So if he’s a gaal because of his views, what are you? What makes you more somali than him? That you’re muslim? Because thats what you implied. I think its important to accept differences. Please don’t insult people like that. Its very disheartening to hear other people deny your heritage because of difference in beliefs.

        • UmmKhadeeja’Suumaal Maxamed

          war heedhe waxaan muxuu ahaa? Who insulted anyone. Please, be gone. You’re beginning to sound like a broken record.

          • http://taecsmybaby.tumblr.com J_Hottest

            Broken record? This is the 1st time time i’ve replied to you! Its understandable you don’t know what to say anymore since more than 1 person has called you out on your offensive discriminative behavior. Its funny you probably think you’re living life as a good muslim, but i believe you will realize eventually you’re sooo wrong! Please, go get a life and learn to be more openminded! You live in the “gaal” world, but look down on them! If you hate it so much go to arab land and have a great time! All i know is, all non-muslim somalis out there are somalis no matter what people like you say!

          • Zaki

            For the atheist, I have big doubt’s what you’re saying is true.saying they were true i have no respect or connection to person who disbelieves in Allah. You do have your opinion, however very sad to see someone going back into darkness.As for your supporter; he should know that Allah will hold him accountable for that support he has given you.have all the fun you want now with your intellect advances in this world. There will be a day when you visit the graves (alone). That day , know that your intellect or advances will not aid you in any way. Btw don’t worry saying im wrong won’t help you, because you believe nothing will happen when I die. win-win for the Muslim.

          • http://taecsmybaby.tumblr.com J_Hottest

            You have big doubt what im saying is true? To respect your fellow human being is not true? You just wrote an essay about how im doomed in the afterlife…i don’t understand how you think you are going to have a successful afterlife when you go around spreading hate to people you do not even know!?!? Hate is not going to take you anywhere in life and i doubt Allah will help you carry on your evil ways.
            I hope you find light in life, you need it.

          • Khadar Ali

            and what light is that
            the one that got you confused because of the social pressure and the need to belong to whoever it is you hang around,the light that made you beleive you were less informed and those around you were well informed so out of insecurity you conformed, anyways majority rules i dont c any reason why you should be vocal on this subject, whoever you are whatever you feel keep it to your self, as you know somalis are 99.99 %are muslims, they dont want ur opinion when it comes down to religion. so respect that

          • http://taecsmybaby.tumblr.com J_Hottest

            Very amusing comment haha! You actually kind of made my day mister! Its funny that you think you know my life and its even funnier how you cannot handle a different opinion than one similar to yours..! So i guess i’m supposed to be that 00,01% of that 99,99% you’re talking about? Or perhaps a non-believer to you is not considered somali at all? Well, the truth is that there are a tremendous amount of somali people who are in fact non-believers, they’re just hiding it because of crazy fanatical people like you who justify following a religion because “majority rules”. Chances are someone in your family and group of friends are atheist! …:)

          • Khadar Ali

            well to be honest most of those who follow the crowd and feel the need to belong to the society they live with, feel very less informed, so they conform, and i can assure either my family or friends are not straight from the bush to the west, we all feel well informed and follow the logic in everything, if you have lost ur faith it does not mean everyone else should, may be you look ur self in the mirror and start asking some questions like how did it come this? again majority rules

    • Ahmed Said

      The new devil warshipers who think himself a free let me clear not only africa but the world are two camps.. the camp of shaydaan and camp of allah.. you were clearly on camp shaydan.. the ibliis

  • abiqani moe

    Dhaqan celis infact you among those in need definitely its all base on tiny westernised abusive falsehood terminology you cant compare wadad to donald truimp and say he fu*k bitches at night would be U standing a witness hereafter for your statement

  • Ahmed Said

    White washed head girl very sad to see a Somalia muslim girl the religious brother haram officer. Sister you are diluted with the Holywood movies n u r on fantasy world. watchout the traps of shaydaan. this world u r in either you live for allah or for shaydaan there is no third way.

    • http://taecsmybaby.tumblr.com J_Hottest

      Haram police!!!!!

  • Ahmed Said

    Thank you well said sister.

  • JustMuna

    It was definitely an interesting read. Overall though I would say it was a hit and miss. Some of the examples given were relatively accurate while others were to say the least outlandish.

  • kuwaalo

    oh boy this is so inaccurate, however its hilarious! Is this what Somali women categorize Somali men as? You missed the funniest one though: the successful Somali guy that marries a different race since hes so ashamed of his people xD Can you blame him tho?

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