EXCLUSIVE: ICC Prosecutor Bensouda Faints As The Terminator Escapes, Frees Jailed Africans

ICC-Prosecutor-Fatou-Bensouda

In a bizarre turn of events, the International Criminal Court Chief Prosecutor Fatou Bensouda fainted on Monday and was rushed to a hospital in Geneva, Switzerland after word got round that the charismatic leader of the Congolese M23 rebel group Bosco Ntaganda, who had handed himself in to the ICC a few days ago, had disappeared in a jailbreak.

Sources told Sahan Journal that not only did Ntaganda escape from jail, but he also freed a group of African leaders who had been similarly arrested and incarcerated at the Hague.

Ntaganda – nicknamed The Terminator for his alleged crimes against humanity, including rape, mass eviction and murder of Congolese civilians – was in Jail Block H5 at the Hague together with five other African leaders also awaiting trial.

Sources further revealed that The Terminator cut through the metal bars of Jail Block H5 with his bare teeth, had the five other African leaders use his shoulders as a ladder and hop safely onto Rue de Chochote, a street below Jail Block H5.

Jaan van Lazymaan, an eyewitness of the jailbreak who lives at Quartier Latin, the part of the Hague where the jailbreak occurred, told Sahan Journal that he was “gobsmacked”.

Oh la la! Wololo yaye, these Africans! I have never seen anything like that,” he says breathlessly. “I mean, it was like straight out of a movie, a medieval movie shot somewhere in Burgundy during the time of William the Conqueror.”

terminator-ntaganda“I mean, this tall black man shows up on the Jail Block H5 window overlooking Rue de Chochote, and at first, I thought he was smiling at me, but on further inspection, I saw that he was gnawing on the metal bars like a rat.”

According to further investigations by Sahan Journal, the plot gets even more bizarre. It turns out that The Terminator had some outside help after all. On Montparnasse Avenue, which is adjacent to the Hague but hidden from Jail Block H5, residents reported sighting a mule with a piece of cloth draped across its flanks with the words “Air DR Congo” printed across.

The same mule was sighted at the international departures terminal of the nearby L’Aéroport de Flightsoffancee. Inside sources told Sahan Journal that the mule was used to transport the fugitives to the airport.

Many African leaders contacted by our reporters expressed their support for the The Terminator and the dramatic jailbreak.

Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir was the first one to welcome the news, describing the ICC as an “unwelcome nuisance, taking the continent’s best and brightest leaders and politicians into a white hole [sic].”

When asked if he meant a “black hole,” al-Bashir slapped our reporter and called him “a crazy, inveterate racist and a donkey,” telling the journalist “itaqillah – fear Allah!”

He called the international court, “the Beast that comes at end-times,” foretold in the Qur’an and the Bible, and that the only thing missing was “the one eye or the 666 mark on its forehead.”

When our reporter asked Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe his reaction, he simply waved his hand dismissively and quipped in his quintessential laconic style: “To hell with the ICC! Stupid, effing imperialists”.

L’Hospital des Sauvages Chief Medical Superintendent Dr. Yosef van Rinkkels said Bensouda was in good shape. He further added that when she was brought in and asked her name, Bensouda mysteriously burst into the late French superstar Edith Piaf’s song “Non, je ne regrette rien – no, I regret nothing!”

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  • http://twitter.com/Adamour1112 Ahishakiye J.d’Amour

    Hehhee, a good one. Must read. I broke into loud laughing while my colleagues were watching bouche-bee.

  • dushatos

    Hahaha… A good one!

  • http://www.facebook.com/mmchuba Mohammed Mswati Chuba

    hahahahahahahahahaha hey u r 5 days early for april fools day.

  • http://twitter.com/BuriteJoseph Burite Joseph

    lol

  • kiki kibanju

    Foulish and stupid is ICC, Americans and Europeans. God will seriously judge you cose of your injustice! God will make u ashemed in Public.

  • kiki kibanju

    Why did not u accuse Sarkozy, Bush W of USA and other European criminals? Does it mean that you are bright and wises? Fuck u ICC! God will accuse u and i believe you will be 0 before the rightiousness’ name!

  • Nuwagira

    The writer, though creative, must be a student of the roguish colonial mentality…Have you ever asked yaself why the Bush and the Blair are not at The Hague despite the fact that they brought Iraq to its kneels and turned it into a ‘beggar’ from a self-sustaining state? What happened to African PRIDE?

  • Van Rwandan

    mujye mureka gushinyagura! nibari terminatoru naze dusangire guiness!

  • R. Joachim

    This is stupidity! whosoever wrote this, is a neo-colonial masterminder!! Fuck this so called icc, its really name should be POLITICAL CRIMINAL COURT FOR AFRICA!

  • Ndamukunda Augustin

    birarenze….. he is the greatest man ever

  • anonymous

    FUCK ICC USELESS

  • Paluku

    Are you guys (Joachim, Nuwagira, Kiki) trying to say that this Ntaganda does not deserve to be tried for the heinous crimes he committed and promoted in my country Congo, simply because Bush and Blair have not been indicted? The end to impunity must start somewhere! Incredible that some people still see ICC as anti-Africa. Don’t you know that former Balkan war lords are standing trial too?

  • http://www.facebook.com/ayom.woldhal Ayom Wol Dhal

    This is very funny indeed. I especially like the donkey/getaway vehicle bit. And the chewing though iron bars with bare, African teeth bit. And the fainting female chief prosecutor scene. However, I’m distressed by the readiness of local media professionals in my part of the world to accept it as fact. More skepticism, please, South Sudan…

  • http://www.facebook.com/evans.karimi.5 Evans Karimi

    Fuck ICC you people when will you stop colonizing us

  • Language Services

    This is very interesting and creative, 1/April day article, but you forgot to ask Uhuru and Ruto of Kenya for their comments, Syrian President, Sarkorzy

  • http://www.facebook.com/saidiahmedi Saidi Bin Ahmed

    Hahaaaaa…What a Joke! This 100% cooking story and unrealistic. You coud wait for the 1 April. Rue de “Chochote” never exists.

  • Mwaaaas

    ‘Wololo yaye’????!!!!..Seriously!!!! I don’t think I can be fooled to believe anything on this…..

  • http://www.facebook.com/Joseph.Ngash Joe Ngash

    April fools day…………haha, nice story …

  • http://www.facebook.com/nkiprono1 Nicholas K Rop

    Africa is big enough with smart pple to have there own court

  • The Terminator

    Congratulation Gen.Ntaganda

  • joker magic

    Nice joke indeed, some people don’t have something to do after spend time writing nonsense, I wonder how they get paid!

  • joker magic

    Just heard the guy is in Kigali today…what a mess…!

  • LGM

    Chochote actually means “anything” in Kiswahili.
    This is funny, and I shouldn’t be laughing.

  • Kiribeda

    Prison Break Season Four

  • http://twitter.com/badmansteez Badman Diddy

    What a Joke… Though there is no credibility in this story, I think The ICC could do a better job by getting their priorities right and properly understanding where their jurisdiction ends.

  • disqus_VGflMq58mF

    ICC should try the Bush family and Tony Blair for their crime against humanity in Iraq and ICC should go to hell and leave African leaders alone if they can’t try Bush Family and Tony Blair. ICC is been unfair to these African leaders although we know they committed some crimes against humanity while in power but why do ICC not question Tony Blair and Bush Sr and Bush Jr? Syrian president has killed his people more than Ghaddafi yet Nato,US,British government have done nothing about it for over a year and half now but they were quick to take on Ghaddafi. Why have they not carried out action on Syrian president or tried the Bush family and Blair? Enough said

  • senorjuanantonioreyesmuriango

    April Fools ni kesho

  • Jeroen

    I got the joke at Quartier Latin. In The Hague? Hardly, The Hague is a tribute to our colonial era (Indonesia) and not to arch enemy France. But I am a little shocked by the anti ICC reactions. You mean because there are other criminals free in the street of Dar today, the police cannot arrest anyone? I would love to see Africa stand up for itself and install an international court. To accept injustice because it is commited by an African is racist and nothing more than an aftereffect of colonialism itself. And did Jesus not tell you not to mind the neighbours but to clean you own house?

  • http://www.facebook.com/dennisfidha Dennis Fidha

    Nobody can crew a jail steel bar with teeth, if a saw has difficulty in cutting a jail steel bar, a teeth made of calcium cant even scratch it, Am still wondering why this article is still here. this site must’nt be serious on delivering true news. any way I like the idea of ICC being the beast with 666 mark, (in absetntia). You took Mugabe’s words (To hell with impirialists from the kenyanpupet show XYZ- when mugabe sings Jayz song “Forever young”) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Q0vDFf_hW0

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